Monday, October 31, 2005

The Monster in My Daughter's Room

One night last week my 2-year-old daughter was playing in her room, then peeked her head out into the living room.


"What, B?"

"I scared."

"You're scared? Of what?"


"You're scared of a mouse?"

"Yeah. My room."

"There's a mouse in your room?"


"A real one? or a toy mouse?"


At this point, I get my fat, lazy ass up off the couch and go with her into her room.

"Where is this mouse you saw?"

She walks into her closet with a big grin on her face and pulls out the dress from her Minnie Mouse costume.


"No, honey, you can't put your costume on tonight, it will get dirty."

That little turd tried to guilt me into letting her wear her Halloween costume a week early.


Happy Halloween.


Here's the costume in all it's glory...

You would think she would look happier, but this is the expression on her face in all of the pictures we took. It must be the lipstick.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Google's Plan for Worldwide Domination

From the desk of Dr. Eric Schmidt:

Action plan for Global Ogling Operations Ground Level Execution:
  1. Trick NASA into sharing access to data; compile access codes for space-based initiative
  2. Use high-resolution satellite imaging to map every inch of the globe; analyze strategic weaknesses
  3. Offer free e-mail service; mine data from messages for "advertising" purposes
  4. Offer free IM/voice chat service; link to e-mail service; log calls and mine data for "administrative" purposes
  5. Get Remote Control for humans from Nippon; upload to every computer using Google software
  6. Find Sarah Connor; terminate

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Pictures from Skeeterville

Now that I am back home (and working there, since the power is still out at the office) I can share some pictures that I took while we were in Skeeterville waiting out the storm.

Did you ever see a self-walking dog? That's our BDM.

More to come...

Monday, October 24, 2005

Do Not Run Your Generators Indoors

This was one of the messages Governor Jeb Bush urged Florida residents to heed in the wake of Hurricane Wilma. It was also the one that the empty heads sitting behind the anchor desks on CNN and The Weather Channel chose to parrot ad nauseum throughout the day on Monday.

Is this how dumb we have become? Not just that we have to be told not to run an internal combustion engine in an enclosed, unventilated area, but that we have to be told over and over again?

I can see some dipshit without an extension cord setting up camp in the living room so he won’t miss Jerry Springer. But does he have to be told 19 times before he realizes that it’s a good idea to get some fresh air? These warnings are why the intelligence of our society is declining. We protect the sick, wounded, stupid, and careless of our species, rather than letting nature weed them out of the gene pool.

I say, tell them once, and let them decide if their genes should continue on for another generation.

Sunday, October 23, 2005


The J clan has evacuated our hometown, since the center line of Hurricane Wilma’s “cone of uncertainty” has been pointed straight at us since last Wednesday. A’s dad has a place in Skeeterville, in the North part of the state, so that’s where we are staying until the storm blows over.

Her brother decided to stay home, so if there is phone service, we will be able to get status updates on electricity, water supply, etc., before we decide to take the 4 hour trek back down I-75.

Our drive up here on Friday night was pretty uneventful. We had a three-vehicle caravan, A, her mother N, and the B in our minivan, A’s Dad (Grumpy) in his pickup with his mother and her cat, and me and our dog (Big Dumb Mutt) in my P.O.S. KIA bringing up the rear. A and I had a pair of walkie-talkies and I kept her entertained by serenading her over the airwaves as familiar songs came on the radio. Normally, she drives and doesn’t want the radio on, so it was nice for me to be able to listen to music on one of our long drives for a change. It was even nicer to be able to reward her and N with my wonderful singing. They loved it.

We spent the day Saturday between relaxing at home and a trip to the Wal*Mart. A lot of excitement in the big city! Then for dinner, we stopped by Sonny’s BBQ. Its really too bad that we did everything this town had to offer in one day. We sat around all day Sunday watching the Weather Channel for incremental storm updates. All this waiting around is getting on everyone’s nerves, and we are all starting to get testy. Nothing left to do now except drink. Cheers y’all!

Thursday, October 20, 2005

A Lunchtime Surprise

Today at work, I was minding my own business, heating up what looked to be a pretty tasty treat for lunch:

Then I saw this warning under the cooking directions:

HOT???? This is going to be HOT????

How could this be?

I just put it in the microwave oven to cook for 3 1/2 minutes and NOW they're telling me it's going to be HOT? Jesus Tapdancing Christ, there's cheese bubbling out of the side of the crisper sleeve, and steam is pouring out of both ends. I can't believe its REALLY going to be HOT when I bite into it.

OWWWWWW! DAMMIT! Those bastards at Nestle weren't kidding! I just burned my tounge. The skin is peeling off of the roof of my mouth. I won't be able to taste anything else for days!

I just can't believe that a product called HOT Pockets would be HOT after I cooked it! I want my money back.

**OK, the 2 of you from work who read my blog have already been witness to a live performance of this rant, but I need to share this type of genius with the world. Sue me.

I Have Been Converted.

For the longest time, I have denied the existence of a higher power. I was trained in the Scientific Method at a Big Ten University, and refused to accept the existence of anything without verifiable, empirical evidence. I studied the biological sciences, including genetics, in-depth, and even forced the evolution of fruit flies through selective breeding. I **KNEW** that Charles Darwin was on to something with his Theory of Natural Selection (that was Darwin's theory—not evolution—other scientists extrapolated Darwin's work to come up with the current, scientifically-accepted model of evolution, but nobody knows who they are, so we just refer back to Darwin because we are all too lazy to look it up).

Side note: I always thought "Natural Selection" was an unfortunate misnomer. To be completely accurate, it should have been called "Natural DE-selection", because nature does not have an active hand in picking which individuals will survive, it is really a passive system in which the slowest, dumbest, "least-fit" individuals are killed by being eaten/drowned/dehydrated/frozen/overheated/falling over a cliff before they have a chance to breed. Since they don't have any offspring, their genes are never passed on to the next generation. This way, the next generation is less likely to die by being eaten/drowned/dehydrated/frozen/overheated/falling over a cliff. Over time, the cumulative effect of the "weeding out" of less fit individuals results in a species that is best suited to survive its environment.

But there is a catch (there's always a catch, isn't there). Genes mutate. They mutate at a relatively steady rate, as long as there is no outside interference from things like poorly shielded nuclear weapons repositories. Sometimes (usually) the egg or sperm containing the mutated gene cannot even be fertilized. Sometimes, the mutations cause the resulting offspring to be non-viable and they are spontaneously aborted sometime after when the embryo is fertilized. Rarely, but frequently enough to make things interesting, the mutated gene does not cause the offsping to die, and may actually even give it a physiological advantage over its parents—stronger muscles, a larger lung capacity, a more intelligent brain (this last one is what happened to me).

This back and forth action between Natural Selection weeding out unfit genes and spontaneous mutation throwing random genes into the game is what fuels evolution. Then there's the whole issue of a dynamic environment that can, for example, cause a rainforest to become a desert and wipe out most of the life forms suited for a wet, humid enviroment. Our universe is a dynamic place, and we need to look at it not as it is now, or was 100 or 2000 years ago, but how it has been over the course of millenia.

Or so I thought.

I have discovered a group of people who have found some ancient writings that prove that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. I know, I know. You're asking what is a Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM)? Is this some kind of pasta-induced hallucination, like the Native Americans out west have in their sweat lodges or after smoking peyote? I really don't know. All I know is that Mr. Bobby Henderson of Oregon is fighting for inclusion of FSMism in science classrooms alongside discussions on evolution and intelligent design.

"I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster," he wrote. "I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country and, eventually, the world: one-third time for intelligent design, one-third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one-third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence."

This religion is growing exponentially. There is even a Jesus-fish-like car bumper plaque. This HAS to prove that he exists, and has touched many with his noodly appendage.

How can you ignore the evidence? I am convinced. Millions of dollars and countless hours of research be damned. I am now a Pastafarian.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

One of My Favorite Songs of All Time
(by Rush, natch...)

Natural Science

When the ebbing tide retreats along the rocky shoreline,
It leaves a trail of tidal pools in a short-lived galaxy.
Each microcosmic planet a complete society.
A simple kind mirror to reflect upon our own.
All the busy little creatures chasing out their destinies.
Living in their pools, they soon forget about the sea...

Wheels within wheels in a spiral array,
a pattern so grand and complex.
Time after time we lose sight of the way
our causes can't see their effects.

A quantum leap forward in time and in space,
the universe learned to expand.
The mess and the magic, triumphant and tragic,
a mechanized world out of hand.
Computerized clinic for superior cynics
who dance to a synthetic band.
In their own image their world is fashioned.
No wonder they don't understand.

Science, like nature, must also be tamed
with a view towards its preservation.
Given the same state of integrity,
it will surely serve us well.
Art as expression, not as market campaigns,
will still capture our imaginations.
Given the same state of integrity,
it will surely help us along.
The most endangered species, the honest man,
will still survive annihilation.
Forming a world state of integrity;
sensitive, open and strong.
Wave after wave will flow with the tide
and bury the world as it does.
Tide after tide will flow and recede,
leaving life to go on as it was...

From the album, "Permanent Waves" (1980)

Friday, October 14, 2005

Ellen DeGeneres Sells Out to Politics

Ellen DeGeneres congratulated New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton on her 30-year marriage to former President Bill Clinton.

"He's the kind of person you really want to be married to for 30 years because he washes dishes," Clinton said.

Because, yeah, that makes up for the (alleged) drugs, (confirmed) cheating, and (alleged) physical abuse and rape.

She needs to shut the hell up. She is NOT a role model for our daughters.

Shame on Ellen. She should have called her on it.

I have lost respect for Ellen DeGeneres now. She is a sellout.

A simple little comment like, “Do clean dishes really make up for him getting a hummer under his desk in the Oval Office, lying about it to you, then admitting it later in court and his memoirs?”

That would have put her career in the stratosphere. By coming out and being a genuinely caring human being, Ellen has done more for women’s rights and gay rights than Hillary ever did. And she did it without being a bitch like Rosie O’Donnell. Even some of Hillary’s femi-nazi supporters would have laughed at that one. Some people respect you even if you call someone they like to the carpet, especially if it is in the moment and not staged or forced.

I think Bill would have been a better president without her. There’s this unwritten rule, or stigma associated with someone who is not married that they can't be a good leader.

At least a single person could concentrate on his/her job. I think, if your marriage is not working, have the guts to admit it and get over it. That’s the true mark of a leader. Being able to admit you made a mistake and then do what you can to correct it immediately.

Anyway back to the Ellen thing.

Hillary was bragging about how great her marriage has been, and her problems are public knowledge. Ellen should have ripped into her. Nothing is more hypocritical than when people ignore the elephant in the middle of the room. I think she should have said something because it would have been funny. She’s a comedian, that’s her job. Not doing so shows that she is putting politics first, probably because she has a hidden agenda to help Hillary get elected President in 2008. Busting her chops would have run counter to that agenda. It’s a conspiracy dammit!

There is a difference between the media (news) and comedians (entertainment).

It is the reporter’s job to report the politicians’ stories (the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth). That is what the public expects. It is the comedian’s job to comment on inconsistencies in politicians’ stories. Again, this is what the public expects, and what they are paid to do. No intelligent adult expects a comedian to report the whole story, just the funny/interesting/incredible parts.

When reporters try to be comedians they betray the public’s trust.

When comedians ignore the glaringly obvious joke to spare a politician's ire, they have betrayed their craft.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

What are you, some kind of moron?

I'm the IT manager. Do you fancy me?

I'll smoke you a kipper, because you'll be back for breakfast. You're the cult television show quoting, user account deleting, soap loathing IT Manager.

Something in your childhood has made you the way you are. You've been hired to provide a service to everyone else in the office - you make the computers run, and you make them run well. You've streamlined everything; you've removed all the viruses and installed all the firewalls. The only trouble - the only hole in your veneer of digital perfection - is the way you laugh at everyone.

If someone doesn't know UNIX, you laugh at them. If they lose their password, they laugh at them. If they visit a website using Microsoft Internet Explorer and their computer succumbs to an Internet worm, you laugh. Then you take a swig of your Coke, and with another hearty chuckle tell all your friends on IRC about the idiots you have to deal with.

Maybe it makes you feel better about yourself, although let's face it, you don't need help in that department. You're great, you. Fantastic like burning cool. If only those luddite office fools would let you play Unreal Tournament in peace.

Which Office Moron Are You?
Rum and Monkey: jamming your photocopier one tray at a time.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Finally! The Secret to Success!

J, your secret to success is to be Imaginative

Your ability to look at the world from fresh perspectives keeps you both in touch with what's current and able to come up with novel solutions to vexing problems. Unlike many people, you're not one to stick to tradition if something isn't working. Most of the time, you'd rather make up your own new-and-improved traditions. By creating fresh ideas from old ones, people like you can become pioneers in their chosen fields.

Being inventive is a gift. While others rely on tried and true methods, your natural tendency is to seek out innovative alternatives. This trait can make you a great leader in creative brainstorming sessions, business process improvement taskforces, and other areas where innovation is a must.

To take The 7 Secrets of Highly Successful People test, click here.

See, that's what I've been trying to find a job doing, and I've found nothing. If Tickle can see this in me, why can't potential employers? I know one of my problems is that I don't interview well, but Most of the time I don't even get to the interview stage. My resume just sits in a pile somewhere; lost or forgotten.

Help me out here people, especially those of you in the Naples/Fort Myers area who have hiring authority...

Will work for, well, a salary, like everyone else. But I will be one of the most innovative leaders your company has ever seen. <><>End Self-Important Solicitation <><>.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Take Online Quizzes, or Do Homework? Hmmm... I Guess I Will...

What Pink Floyd Song Are You?


You're materialistic, money is a top priority in your life. You enjoying stepping on other people to get to the top. In other words: You're a jerk.

Personality Test Results

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Which Sublime song are you?

What I Got

You don't cry when your dog runs away, you don't get angry at the bills you have to pay. You don't get angry when your mom smokes pot, hits the bottle and goes right to the rock. And you can play the guitar like a motherf...flippin' riot.

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What is your inner political identity?

Moderate Free Thinker

Congratulaions, you carefully assess the issues regardless of partisan politics.

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