The Internet is full of awesome

I'm not saying that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990, and neither ate these guys. All we are asking is why won't he deny it?

What's life without an occasional surprise?

As the plane crashed down, he thought, "Well, isn't this nice"

Wired News reports on the world's largest general science conference in Boston this week:

The annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science is a mix of scientific workshops, lectures and public sessions that provide cutting-edge science, while also trying to tackle hot-button political issues like adapting to global climate change and embryonic stem cell research.

Of course, the Bush administration has sent its own representative to talk about all the sciency stuff:

Nina Fedoroff, science and technology adviser to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, will be giving a keynote talk called "Making the World Flat"

I wish I were making that up. At least the title implies that they know the world isn't flat already.

If I Had a Million Dollars...

I would be able to blog more often, because I wouldn't be so busy with work (and school and family). Two of my coworkers have quit in the last month, one who I miss and one of whom I say good riddance to bad rubbish. The powers that be actually hired someone before either of them gave notice, but she has proved to be completely useless.

Seriously, I think I could have trained a squad of monkeys more quickly than this mental midget is catching on.

I can just imagine a bunch of monkeys running around the office, making copies, punching paper in the binding machine, packing up boxes for UPS. That would be more fun than... well... I guess we could get a barrel, too.

Just for the cliché.

But c'mon, people. How many times should you ask the same question of your coworkers before you would feel like a complete nimrod for asking it yet one more time?

Apparently for the crazy cat lady (that's what we call her-did I mention she drives around town every night feeding feral cat colonies?) that number is not 12, because she has asked us how to load the FedEx labels in the printer at least that many times.

Not to mention the fake British accent she speaks with. Ugh. And she adds an extra syllable in the middle of my name when she says it, "Jee-ake." Drives me nuts. She also has such ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) that she refuses to even speak the word... she has to spell it. If you say the word "snake," she lets out a little scream.

I was a bad little boy this afternoon. We have a box of rubber snakes and insects that are used as props in a training course, so I took one and put it on the floor next to her desk while she was at lunch. Of course the moment she returned she flipped out and made one of our coworkers pick it up and put it away. She was not satisfied until it was out of sight. I commented that it must have fallen out of the box that was unpacked yesterday.

I'm such a prick.

I'm going to hell for that, I'm sure.

I'll see you there, because I know you laughed at that, just a little.

Open Mouth, Empty Head

A and I have a private joke between us. We call it Open Mouth, Empty Head. You see these morons in public a lot, in a restaurant, talking loudly about nothing in particular like it was the most important thing in the world.

"...and then I opened the door to my closet, and there it was! I couldn't believe I had hung it up after I wore it! I must not have been paying attention to what I was doing. It should have been in the hamper, but I hung it back up like it was clean..."

"...then this colored guy walk up to me and starts askin' me all kinds of questions an' shit that I don't know nuthin' about, so's I tol' him to go ask Billy, 'cuz Billy knows about that sort of thing, he went to the community college for a coupla years..."

"...and then she says to me, 'gramma I have to go potty!' Isn't that the most adorable thing you have ever heard? I mean she's only three and a half! She has to be the smartest little girl I have ever seen!..."

You just want to walk up to these people and tell them to shut the fuck up! Nobody wants to hear about your personal crap! People get too damn comfortable with having no privacy. There's even a whole website about overheard conversations. Most of these people have nothing interesting to say, yet insist on making sure they talk loudly enough that everyone within the vicinity knows every disgusting detail of their recent hernia surgery or other such personal information.

There is a new employee in my office who just moved into the desk next to mine, and she blathers on incessantly to nobody in particular about nothing in general.

These Empty Heads with Open Mouths need to be told to shut up. I am proposing a new national movement to do so. Don't be shy. Walk right up to them and do it! If they are on a cellular phone and you don't want to interrupt their conversation, just lower the volume, give them one of these cards. There are even some that are applicable to people who aren't even on the phone.

Help me rid the world of obnoxious, self-absorbed clouts today. If they really want people to know too much about them, tell them to get a blog, and leave your ears out of it.