Shuffle Up and Deal

Ok, here's the deal: Put your iPod-iTunes-MusicMatch-200 Disc CD Changer-Vinyl Jukebox-whatever on "Shuffle" and tell us what the first five songs that come up are, and what they mean to you. No cheating, no skipping, leave nothing out. If its some obscure album filler, too bad. Tell us what the rest of the album did for you. Here's my go at it. I will write these as the songs are playing.

Cowboy, by Kid Rock. Funny how this one came up first. If you have never seen me drunkenly shout through this one at karaoke, you are surely deprived. It takes a minimum of a pitcher of Amber Bock to get me to write this one down on the little slip of paper on the table in front of me, but that just adds to the enthusiasm with which I perform the hip thrusts when I shout “…then paint his wife white, unngh!”

Dead Horse, by Guns N’ Roses. Probably my favorite song on either of the Use Your Illusions discs. Starts out slow with just Axl and (I assume) Slash on an acoustic guitar. A couple of verses in, I can just imagine Slash smashing that acoustic as Axl screams and the band kick it into full-out metal mode. I don’t know if they did a video for this one, but if they did, it can’t compete with the mental movie I have always had of this song.

Here I Go Again, by Whitesnake. Wow, more pop metal? I have such a diverse collection, I would have thought something a little less AAR would have shown up by now. You are all going to think my musical tastes run along the same lines as Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, and Adam Sandler’s in Airheads. A great tune from Jr. High, ‘m surprised I have it in digital format. I had the tape of this album, originally.

That’s When Your Heartaches Begin, by Elvis Presley. I could make up some bullshit about how my mother always used to listen to this record when I was a little kid, but that’s just not true. Big E has a spoken word bridge in the middle, undoubtedly inspiring a thousand knock-offs like Boyz2Men and their protégés.

Primal Scream, by Motley Crue. One of the three original tunes that the Crue was able to record before kicking out Vince Neil after the Dr. Feelgood tour. They ended up putting it on their Decade of Decadence compilation. It just kind of bums me out when I hear it, because it was really the last of the original Crue songs. They haven’t been the same since. Oh, and I hear the band is touring with Aerosmith in the fall, but since Tommy is doing his Supernova thing, I assume there will be a ringer behind the skins for Motley?

Okay, five songs isn’t enough to get a real taste of my collection. Next up were:
King of Comedy, by REM
Working Man (Live from the Different Stages album), by Rush
I, Zombie, by White Zombie
Meat Plow, by STP
Seether, by Veruca Salt
Just a Girl, by No Doubt
Pencil Thin Mustache, by Jimmy Buffett
Breed, by Nirvana
Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me, by Elton John

That's enough.... now it's your turn.

Get crazy with the Cheez Whiz®

Okay, since I have nothing exciting to post today, I guess it's time to go to the old Google Analytics page to see what crazy shit people have searched for and found my blog.
First up, random weirdness:

• "getting married in the outer banks"


• red wings kegerator tap

Sorry, can't help you with either one of those. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

I'm guessing by this next batch that my Rockstar: Supernova post was pretty popular:

• rockstar supernova


• rockstar


• supernova jd fortune


• toby rand's


• toby rand married

File this next batch under Celebrity WTF???:

• celebrity fakes


• celebrity weight loss


• did jennifer aniston drink underage?


• anthony kiedis photos pics


• sopie marceau


• james horner british accent

And now I am speechless:

• fat bodybuilder gorged


• brain hemmorhage weightlifting

It never ceases to amaze me the f-ed up things people look for on the Internets. Don't they know we can see what they are doing (and pointing and laughing)?

Their A&R man said I don't hear a single...

My last post got me to thinking. If Toby Rand ends up being the winner of Rockstar and becomes the frontman for Tommy Lee's new band, Supernova, it will have been just one in a long line of my predictions regarding rock/pop music.

About three months ago, I stumbled across the MySpace page of a new hip-hop group I had never heard of, and absolutely loved one of their songs. That's saying something, because I hate most rap/hip-hop/r&b music. But this song had a groove to it, and I added it to my profile. A month later, I heard it on the radio, and now I can't turn on the radio without hearing it.

The song is "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley, whose album "St. Elsewhere" just hit 500,000 copies sold.

And now I kinda hate it, just because it was something I knew that no one else did, and now its everywhere. (I harbor the same feelings for South Park, which I discovered on the 'net way before the first season hit Comedy Central.)

I did the same thing in 7th grade, when I heard this kick-ass song called "You Give Love a Bad Name" by a little-known band called Bon Jovi. None of my friends had heard of them, and I was the coolest kid in my little hick town in BFE, Michigan. We didn't have cable or MTV, only the rich kid had a satellite dish, and his parents were so religious that they wouldn't let him watch it. Anyway, I heard something in that band that I somehow knew was totally awesome, and made sure others knew about it. Now, I know Bon Jovi had a decent-sized hit with "Runaway" a couple of years before, but gimme a break, I was living a pretty sheltered life at the time.

A few other musicians or songs I "discovered" and was totally geeked about a few months before they were hits:

• "Hey Ya" by Outkast
• "Talk Dirty to Me" by Poison
• "Smells Like Teen Spirit" by Nirvana
• "Just a Girl" by No Doubt
• "The Impression That I Get" by the Mighty Mighty Bosstones
• "Lit Up" by Buckcherry
• Limp Bizkit
• The Crystal Method
• Everclear
• Sublime (before Brad died)

I also knew Kelly Clarkson was going to win American Idol as soon as I saw her first performance. Of course, that could be because I thought she was the best looking chick on the show. I missed the J.D. Fortune win on the first season of Rockstar, but I think that was because he acted like a complete prick and there were so many other great singers on that show. But before the end of the finale, his performance was so above and beyond everyone else's that there was no way (at least in my mind that he couldn't win.

Maybe I have a gift for picking talented new musicians or seeingsomething in an artist that no one else has noticed yet. I just might start a list here of new artists or songs that I think are going to hit it big. Now that I have my MBA, maybe I can turn this little hobby of mine into a lucrative career at a record label somewhere...

That said, if it wasn't for the song title and band name, I would make the prediction that the next big hit will be "Connecticut's for Fucking" by Jesus H. Christ and the Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse. Sirius is playing them on Alt Nation, but good luck getting it in the rotation at a FCC-policed "terrestrial" radio station. No program director would risk his job to get that one played. Look for it on iTunes if you want to hear it.

Rockstar: Supernova

Okay, I loved the original version of Rockstar, and J.D. Fortune won me over with his performance on the final episode and I'm glad he made it into INXS. Now, Tommy Lee (Motley Crue), Jason Newstead (Metallica), and Gilby Clarke (Guns N' Roses) are looking for a singer for their new band, Supernova.

I think they have found him:

Toby Rand's performance tonight was above and beyond the poseurs and karaoke stars on the stage tonight. Maybe some of the others had a bad night, but Toby was the only one who looked and sounded lke a true rock star. You heard it here first. Toby is going to win this thing.

An honorable mention goes to Storm Large, who gave a great performance but doesn't seem to be quite all there...

Happy Birthday!

My blog is 1 year old today! I should get a prize, or something.

Actually, you all should get a prize for coming back again and again.

Thanks for reading!

J

How I Spent My Summer Vacation (Part I)

or, How a Totally Alsome, Funny, Cool, Responsible, Conscientious, Trustworthy, Motivated, Brilliant, Creative, Organized, and Hip Guy with Phenomenal Editorial and Writing Skills Tried to Get a Job

A few weeks ago, I thought I would be able to take a few months off from my hectic schedule this summer. For the first time in five years, I would no longer have to worry about homework, studying for exams, or a schedule packed tighter than Pavarotti in a Speedo. I am done with my Master's degree, and my day job is pretty slow. Nothing to complain about at work means blog posts that are few and far between. My sister is still working on programming the javascript application that will run my website, so for now that project is on hold. I had no pending obligations in the evenings for the rest of the summer, or the forseeable future.

Last week, a friend e-mailed me a link to Overheard at the Beach, a new variation on a theme brought to you by the creators of Overheard in New York and Overheard in the Office. I am a huge fan of the "Overheard" sites. I have never been to New York, but am the typical office drone who submits conversations to Overheard in the Office, though my conversations with my coworkers aren't nearly as interesting as theirs. I thought to myself, "Great! I live in Florida, I can hit the beach this summer and finally send in some funny overheard conversations.

Then I saw it. A call to arms. A way to finally combine my smart-aleck sense of humor with my need for pubic validation of my creativity and get paid for it. Overheard at the Beach was looking for a part-time editor. All I had to do was send an e-mail telling the publisher why I deserved the job, my resume, and pick a dozen or so submissions from their first hundred to edit and give titles. I could do this. I can be creative on command. Nothing is more motivating to me than a deadline. In fact, I came up with my dozen titles on my lunch break at my day job. I waited until after work to proof my cover letter, then I sent in my application.

I'm sure you're asking, "What happened? Did you get the job?"

You tell me.

Note: That was the cover letter I sent with my application.
More to come...

Science Project

Q. What happens when you drop a 4 Mentos mints into a 2-liter bottle of Diet Coke?
A. A mess.

Q. What happens when 2 weird scientist-looking guys with lab coats, an affinity for the fountains at the Bellagio in Las Vegas, and waaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands drop 500 Mentos into 200 liters of Diet Coke?

A: This video:

Fin

As of 11:24 PM, Eastern Daylight Savings Time, I have completed my final assignment for my last class in my Master's degree program at Florida Gulf Coast University.

I. Am. Done.

I had been struggling with this case study since Saturday, and barely had anything written. I sat and stared at my computer screen for at least an hour, not sure how to begin or what exactly I wanted to say. Then it started all to pour out onto my keyboard and I was done in less than a half hour. Now all I have to do is show up to class on Friday and Saturday.

What a strange sense of calmness that has settled over me. It's like I flipped a switch and my stress all has instantly disappeared.

I'm going to bed.

If I Had a Million Dollars...

I would be able to blog more often, because I wouldn't be so busy with work (and school and family). Two of my coworkers have quit in the last month, one who I miss and one of whom I say good riddance to bad rubbish. The powers that be actually hired someone before either of them gave notice, but she has proved to be completely useless.

Seriously, I think I could have trained a squad of monkeys more quickly than this mental midget is catching on.

I can just imagine a bunch of monkeys running around the office, making copies, punching paper in the binding machine, packing up boxes for UPS. That would be more fun than... well... I guess we could get a barrel, too.

Just for the cliché.

But c'mon, people. How many times should you ask the same question of your coworkers before you would feel like a complete nimrod for asking it yet one more time?

Apparently for the crazy cat lady (that's what we call her-did I mention she drives around town every night feeding feral cat colonies?) that number is not 12, because she has asked us how to load the FedEx labels in the printer at least that many times.

Not to mention the fake British accent she speaks with. Ugh. And she adds an extra syllable in the middle of my name when she says it, "Jee-ake." Drives me nuts. She also has such ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) that she refuses to even speak the word... she has to spell it. If you say the word "snake," she lets out a little scream.

I was a bad little boy this afternoon. We have a box of rubber snakes and insects that are used as props in a training course, so I took one and put it on the floor next to her desk while she was at lunch. Of course the moment she returned she flipped out and made one of our coworkers pick it up and put it away. She was not satisfied until it was out of sight. I commented that it must have fallen out of the box that was unpacked yesterday.

I'm such a prick.

I'm going to hell for that, I'm sure.

I'll see you there, because I know you laughed at that, just a little.

Here we go again...

Sorry to those of you in the panhandle, but I hope this thing stays to the North.

I can't take another year of this sh!t.