Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Driving my wife completely insane

There are some days when the world seems out to get you, others when the forces of the universe seem to align in your favor. A few weeks ago the winds of change were blowing at my back and pushing me exactly where I wanted to go.

I finished my master's degree and got a big promotion at work (I promise I will finish that story soon). As a reward to myself, I had my eye on the totally redesigned 2007 Jeep Wrangler (designation JK). I had a 1995 Wrangler (designation YJ) for a couple of years, but traded it in when the novelty of a convertible top in lieu of air conditioning wore off. In Florida, especially in the summer, A/C ranks right up there with food, water, and 24.

In September, the new JKs started arriving at the dealerships, and I started drooling. The first one I sat in was a hardtop "Unlimited" model (meaning it had 4 doors--a first for the Wrangler). Right away, I disliked the hardtop and waited until they had a soft top before I took one out for a test drive. That one had a much smoother, quieter ride than I remembered from my YJ, but something still wasn't right.

It was the door.

My old YJ had the half-framed doors, which meant that you could remove the top half for a real open-aired driving experience. Those top halves were canvas and the windows were plastic that zipped out, rather than rolling down. Most people are accustomed to a higher level of luxury than the traditional Jeep half doors allowed, and Jeep didn't even manufacture the half-door models at the start of their production run (the brochure says "late availability"—whenever that is).

I told the dealer to give me a call when they knew the half-door models would start arriving, and I would test drive one then. He took my name and number and promised to do so.

I saw on a Jeep rumors website that production of the half-framed door models was scheduled to start in February. That gave me a date on which to focus.

Meanwhile I was anxious. I received the slick product brochure in the mail, pouring over every detail. Which model do I want—X, Sahara, or Rubicon? Wrangler 2-door or Wrangler Unlimited 4-door? Which options? What would it cost? I spent more time on the pricing and configuration website than I spent at work.

In late January I had my optimal package picked out, so I printed the specs and drove down to the dealer. I was in luck! Later that week, Jeep would start accepting orders for Wrangler Unlimited with half-framed doors.

I would be the first person this dealership sold one to.

That Friday, I drove down to the dealership with my deposit in hand. The sales manager happened to be keying in my order when I got there. Six to eight weeks and the 4x4 would roll off the delivery truck and into my life.

Last Friday, A called our salesman at the dealership to ask if he had a better idea of when the Jeep would arrive. He looked up the order in the computer and discovered that it had been built last Wednesday (February 14th) and was waiting for a truck to pick it up. Weather in Toledo had been pretty bad, so they had a backlog of vehicles waiting for delivery, but it would only take three to five days to get here once it shipped.

I really can't think about anything else right now. Even though they have only been around for six months, I have found a ton of websites devoted to JK Wranglers. I have trolled the message boards and searched on Google images, but except for the promo shots from Jeep and the prototype that made the rounds at the auto shows, no one else has posted a picture of the half doors yet. There are absolutely no pictures of the top half of the half doors, not even in the brochure.

You just might see one here first.

Update (Wednesday 2/21, 11AM):
Those putzes at the dealership screwed up when they looked up my Jeep in the computer. Mine is still waiting to be built, this week or next, so it will probably be another two weeks. ARRRRGH!!!

Friday, December 15, 2006

Just another reason I want a PlayStation 3...


...and not a Wii (wee). The hard-to-pronounce next-generation console from Nintendo has already taken a lot of flak from every direction on its unique motion-sensing controller that allows players to realistically perform actions from throwing a bowling ball to swinging a baseball bat to conducting an orchestra (right).

Although I am all in favor of getting kids people up off the couch (or floor) if they must be tethered to the game console, I have a problem with the spazmoids who tend to be the ones that really get into the game. Something told me that they would be a little too enthusiastic when swinging hard plastic objects around expensive A/V equipment.

Nintendo foresaw this and included a wrist strap to said wii-mote. What they didn't foresee was the degree of-ahem!-enthusiasm American gamers would have.

The ensuing damage has been chronicled at Wii Have A Problem.


According to them, flying Wii-motes have damaged TVs, ceiling fans, lamps, VCRs, and—so far—9 people. Nintendo has already offered to send out replacement straps that are almost twice as thick as the originals.

Although the Wii retails for $249 (less than half of a fully-loaded PS3) one cracked HDTV monitor could set you back 10 times that.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Caught in a trap-I can't get out

A few months ago, A and I decided to get rid of our golden retriever. We were very busy, and he was couped up in a small house for several hours a day. Once we got home each night, he would stay out in our backyard until bedtime. He needed more attention and interaction than we could give him, and it was unfair of us to keep him. We contacted our local golden retriever rescue organization, and they found him a new home.

I didn't really miss him once he was gone. That is, until the feral cats started using our carport as a litter box.

I bought a B.B. gun, but it was a single-shot pistol, and the little fuckers ran too fast for me to reload.

Then A told me that she saw the crack whore who lives across the street setting out a dish of food for them. I decided to get some D-Con and fill up her dish with that the next time I saw her set it out. My bleeding-heart coworker threatened my karma if I poisoned the mangy bastards.

I had noticed three different cats hanging around at different times. This morning B came into the bathroom to tell me, "Daddy! There's FOUR CATS in the backyard!"

So tonight I stopped at Home Depot and bought one of these:
After I had it set up with the bait inside, I went back inside and asked A how soon she thought I would have to empty my new trap.

"I'm not sure." She didn't really want to play along.

"I bet one of them will be in there within the hour."

I was right.


Animal Control will empty the trap sometime tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Fun with Keywords: Halloween Edition

I am hoping that the people who have come to this site recently have simply been proactive in putting together their Halloween costumes (unlike yours truly, who decides at the last minute to pull out the "Drop Dead" t-shirt I bought at Target 2 years ago). Here are some of the search terms that prompted people to click onto this site:
  • template to make tazmanian devil
  • krueger glove template
  • vinyl gauntlets
  • how to make a lukas rossi halloween costume
The answer to that last one is: go to Spencers Gifts in your local mall, buy some pink hairspray and black eyeshadow and a white leather jacket like Axl Rose wore in the "Paradise City" video. Put on the eye shadow, pop some Lunesta and sleep for a good 18-24 hours. When you finally emerge from your coma, spray the pink hairspray all over your head and put on the jacket. Voila! Instant Skunk Ape! Anyway, it seems like my railing against the Superposeur frontman is serving up some decent hits on the old Internets. Peep:
  • lukas rossi skunk photo
  • lukas rossi rigged
  • lukas rigged
  • lukas rossi conspiracy
  • winner of rockstar supernova rigged
Then there's the weird Supernova-related queries:
  • devil sweatshirt tommy lee wears on rock star supernova
  • jason newstead cats
I have chosen to exclude the obligatory 186,000+ searches containing the words "Toby" "Rand" and "married?". Seriously girls, if you want to be a groupie, are you really all that concerned about his marital fidelity?
  • "strange sense of calmness"
  • onsite+screwed
Its funny how random words strung together actually bring people to this site. Don't they read the 20-word snippet beneath the link on the Google search results page?
  • radio jockey
I can just imagine 10 "little people" (they hate being called midgets, you know) racing Sony boomboxes trying to be the first to cross the finish line.
  • limited batch sweatshirts
I got nothin' on this one.

Until next time, I'll try to write more once I get a new job and don't have to spend every waking hour on Monster and CareerBuilder.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

ABL: Anybody But Lukas

Voting is open for Rockstar: Supernova until late tonight or early tomorrow.

Please vote often for your favorite "rocker" at rockstar.msn.com, unless Lukas is your favorite, then throw your computer up aganst the wall and drown yourself in the toilet.

Friday, September 08, 2006

New Template: I Screwed It Up


So I was messing around with my new template and I screwed something up on the archive pages.

The main page is fine, but all of the other pages are retarded.

I will fix it this weekend. Deal with it.

Update: Problem solved. Thanks for dealing.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Rock Star: Supernova 9/6 Update

Here's a quick overview of last night's show:
  • Tommy is pulling double-duty with the Supernova show and MotleyCrue's current tour with Aerosmith
  • Brooke Burke announced that she is pregnant with a daughter
  • Magni performed with Supernova
  • Toby got the encore (and a new car) and dedicated his performance to his countryman, the Crocodile Hunter
  • Bottom 3: Dilana, Lukas (poseur), and Storm
  • Tommy couldn't bring himself to send anyone home last night, so Jason had to tell Storm she was out
So the final four "rockers" (still lame, Brooke... but we'll let it slide since you're with child and shouldn't be exerting yourself too much), in my order of preference, are:
  • Toby
  • Magni
  • Dilana
  • Lukas
Last year, my favorite rocker was Marty Casey and least favorite was JD Fortune, but JD's final performance won me over, and apparantly INXS, too, because he is now their frontman. I know Lukas won't be able to do the same for me, and I hope Supernova sees through his posturing and realizes that he is very one-dimensional and boring as a performer. Plus, I get the feeling that he wouldn't know "fun" if it tousseled his skunk-striped hair, punched him in his scowling face, and ripped off the clothes he bought at Aggro in the Toronto mall. Toby seems to be the only one of the group who could give Tommy Lee any competition in the "whooping it up" race.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Did no one else see this coming?

I just knew that eventually I would see the headline Steve Irwin killed in freak accident. "Stingray barb to the heart" ranked 1024 in my own personal list of ways I figured the Crocodile Hunter could take the big dirt nap.

Other ways I figured he could eventually meet his maker included:

#6 Face bitten off while aggravating a grumpy koala.

#72 Car blown off the road while chasing spinning tazmanian devil.

#156 Head stuffed in a kangaroo's pouch by one of Zartan's Dreadnoks.

#499 Pneumonia.

#765 Attacked by these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.

Freak though he was, the Croc Hunter did quite a bit for Australia's eco-tourism and conservation of its wildlife. His antics were entertaining and he will be missed.

Sunday, September 03, 2006

Supernova: Just a Bunch of Big Dicks

I wanted to keep this blog from being a complete and total shill for Rock Star: Supernova, so I promised myself I wouldn't post about this past week's performance's. Fuck it. If this is true, then the whole damn show is fixed, and I don't want to be a part of it.

Oh, and the whole thing with only certain parts of the site working with the Firefox browser is bullshit. Come on, Microsoft! Make a plugin so that your media player works in the number 2 browser. IE's overhead and security flaws are not something I want to have to accept just to be able to watch video clips of the show.

I thought it was just a technical glitch when I tried to vote for a couple of the "rockers" (god that term is so lame! Come up with something else to call them, Brooke. You sound like a tool). After 20 minutes of trying to get through, I gave up.

But now I think there may be a conspiracy to keep Lukas Rossi from the bottom 3 every week. He absolutely sucks, but if the show is rigged to let him win, then there is nothing our voting can do to get rid of him. The guys in the band are constantly blowing smoke up his ass. His performance of Nirvana's "Lithium" was uninspired and his stage presence was boring. Ryan Star, who got the Tommyhawk then next night, had 1000 times the energy and looked like he was just plain having fun. Oh, and his singing sounded more natural, too. Lukas's voice always sounds lke he is forcing it. That's fine if you are only performing one song, but what happens when he is on tour and has to sing for over an hour straight? I don't think he will be able to keep it up.

Storm Large's performance of Evanescence's "Bring Me to Life" made the hair on my arms stand at attention, especially when Toby showed up in the background to sing the male part. The band accused him of stealing some of Storm's thunder, but I think her willingness to let one of her competitors on stage with her to perform an inegral part of the song just shows that she knows what it takes to give the best performance. The song is more important than the performer's ego. Tommy Lee should take a cue from Storm's dedication to an accurate performance of the music. Then again, if he did that, he would still be in the Crue.

Toby took what should have been a boring song (Billy Idol's dated "Rebel Yell") and brought the crowd into the performance, literally. He pulled half a dozen hotties from the front row on stage with him for the final verse. That Aussie knows how to put on a show. I still pick him to win, if the contest isn't really rigged.

Even Dilana's energy would have pulled a couple of votes from me, had MSN's voting site not given me error after error. She kicked Lukas's ass, but still should have been in the bottom 3 (except with Lukas and Magni, instead of Storm and Ryan).

To add insult to injury, Supernova pegged Lukas to perform their new song, and I couldn't help but wonder what it would have sounded like with any of the other contestants. Hopefully we wont have to wait long to find out.

OH! Are these guys prohibited from performing Motley, GNR, or Metallica songs? I don't seem to recall any of the rockers singing songs made famous by the guys who are judging them.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Bershon

I was introduced to a new word today, courtesy of Dooce. “Bershon is pretty much how you feel when you’re 13 and your parents make you wear a Christmas sweatshirt and then pose for a family picture, and you could not possibly summon one more ounce of disgust, but you’re also way too cool to really even DEAL with it, so you just make this face like you smelled something bad and sort of roll your eyes and seethe in a put-out manner.”

We have all felt this way at some point in our youth, and our bershon usually coincided with a family get-together, which somehow always included the dreaded photo-op. I was no stranger to bershon, and was recently reminded of just how disgusted I used to be when I had to pose for a photo.

Like when I was a freshman in high school (c. 1988) and got my new marching band uniform:



No, I'm not from Canada, but our school mascot was the Mountie. Yes, as in the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. What cooler uniform could there be? Here are some of the finer acoutroments of this stylish ensemble:
  • White cotton gloves
  • White vinyl gauntlets
  • White vinyl spats (with straps that cake up with ice when marching in snow)
  • Black wool mountie hat (which I am holding in my right hand so as not to mess up my sweet mullet

Next in the lineup is the backyard photo when I got my letter jacket. I know you are asking, "I thought you weren't an athelete, Jake. What sport did you letter in?"



Marching Band.

That's right.

Oh, I was soooooooooo cool. You can't see the sweet mullet too well in this picture, but check out the size of those glasses. I had the bershon look down cold in this picture (c. 1989). I had a look that could cut you like Freddy Krueger's glove. Which, I made for my Halloween costume in (I think) eighth grade.



Notice the missing glasses in this picture. I didn't get contacts until 11th grade, so I was as blind as a bat in this outfit. The sacrifices we make for accurate Haloween costumes. There is a Flickr tag for "Bershon", so if you want so see more sullen teenagers in awkward poses, check it out. If you have your own pictures to add, do that too. I did.