My question is, did he win the Jeep?

Every New Parent or Parent-to-be Needs to Watch This

What's life without an occasional surprise?

Don't worry dear, he's not that desperate…

Today, April 20th, you will see all sorts of stories on the news about how the Columbine shootings happened 10 years ago. You may also hear about Pepsi and Mountain Dew "throwback" editions hitting store shelves. You probably won't hear anything about it being a stoner "high holiday".

And you definitely won't hear anything about Hitler's worst birthday ever:

I got a vision in my head of how it should be

What happens when you promote an event on the same morning as opening day for the NewYork Yankees by saying you are giving away Yankees tickets?

Thousands of people show up to Times Square expecting tickets to the opening day game.

What happens when those people find out that the tickets are for a game in June?

This:



"Pepsi used this as a format to promote their product and humiliate the Yankees fans."

Hey lady, Yankees fans can obviously manage that without any help from Pepsi. Like by being complete douchebags when given free tickets to a game and complaining that they weren't opening day tickets. Or by looking like this:



Or this:



Or this:



Yeah, Pepsi is the one who acted irresponsibly here.

Speaking of Pepsi, next Monday, Pepsi Throwback and Mountain Dew Throwback will be available for a limited time. Buy as much of it as you can so they are prompted to make it a permanently produced product. What is the difference between the regular and throwback versions of these drinks? Real sugar instead of high-fructose corn syrup, that's what.

Look for these and buy them on Monday, April 20th:

Its got no cd player, it only got the 8-track

Sony Releases New Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn't Fucking Work

I'm shining up my saddle

As you can see there's a new look around here. I took the time to clean out some old posts I may be less than proud of, and eliminated the pseudonym on my profile. It's the grownup thing to do.

I also have a new blog chronicling my resumed weight loss program. Actually, it's more of a guilt trip than a program. I am posting pictures of everything I eat, so that family and friends can bitch at me when I'm bad.

I'm sure this one will drive all sorts of new traffic here

[10:02] Co-worker: OMFG, there is some new show on TV (I forgot the channel) with an exorcist
[10:02] Co-worker: exorcising people
[10:02] Co-worker: it is the biggest bullshit I have ever seen
[10:02] Me: "reality" or scripted?
[10:03] Co-worker: reality I guess.....not scripted but also not like randomness
[10:03] Co-worker: they tape him at his sessions with people
[10:03] Me: wtf
[10:12] Co-worker: http://www.boblarson.org/
[10:12] Me: he looks like a child molester
[10:13] Co-worker: I'm sure he is
[10:13] Me: you know what freud said about beards
[10:13] Me: men who wear them are hiding something
[10:13] Co-worker: haha
[10:14] Me: billy mays? Instead of using a fishing pole he dumps oxy clean into the lake and scoops up the dead fish
[10:15] Me: Kenny rogers? he fucks the chickens before he cooks em. thats why they are soooooo tender
[10:15] Co-worker: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[10:15] Me: ZZ top? gay
[10:16] Me: jerry garcia? straight edge
[10:16] Me: abe lincoln? gay
[10:17] Co-worker: wha?
[10:17] Co-worker: didn't you grow a beard a while back?
[10:17] Me: Jesus: not the son of god.
[10:18] Me: dumbledore: gay
[10:18] Co-worker: true, true
[10:18] Me: darwin: fucks monkeys
[10:18] Co-worker: mmhmm
[10:18] Me: grizzly adams: fucks bears
[10:19] Me: santa: hates kids
[10:19] Co-worker: hm I think YOU may be the one with a Freudian issue
[10:19] Me: freud: loved his cigars a little too much
[10:20] Me: mohammed: pedophile (but not gay)
[10:21] Co-worker: what? he was totally gay
[10:21] Me: pz myers: celebrates xmas
[10:22] Me: Dave grohl: thinks cobain was overrated
[10:23] Me: Robert E. Lee: had jungle fever
[10:23] Co-worker: what the fuck
[10:24] Me: Fidel Castro: again with the cigars
[10:24] Me: Col. Sanders: preferred steak
[10:25] Co-worker: didn't fuck chickens?
[10:25] Me: Osama bin Laden: owns stock in halliburton
[10:25] Me: Da vinci: painted by numbers
[10:25] Co-worker: are you on fucking drugs?
[10:26] Me: Hemmingway: wrote roadside ads for burma-shave
[10:26] Co-worker: ok that is true
[10:28] Me: Papa Smurf: was gargamel's father
[10:28] Co-worker: srsly do you have parasites in yr brain?
[10:29] Me: Gandalf: couldn't find a human-sized razor
[10:29] Co-worker: elf sized?
[10:29] Me: elfs cant grow facial hair
[10:30] Co-worker: why not
[10:30] Me: don't ask me
[10:30] Co-worker: hormones?
[10:30] Me: it stops at the sideburns
[10:31] Co-worker: what?
[10:31] Me: elfs grow out their sideburns cus they cant grow beards
[10:31] Co-worker: .....ok

What time will Obama be elected?

Do you hate staying up late on election night to see if your guy won? Well, it looks like you may not have to this year. Barack Obama or John McCain needs to have 270 electoral votes to be considered the winner and next president of the United States. It looks like Senator Obama will reach that total somewhere between 9 and 11 pm EDT.

I compared the official times the polls close in each of the 50 states (and DC) with the number of electoral votes each state has, and plotted them on a timeline, based on which candidate is projected to win. I did this with two scenarios, for simplicity: one in which Senator McCain wins all of the "swing" states, and one in which Senator Obama wins the "swing" states.

Senator Obama won both scenarios. The swing states voting in McCain's favor will simply delay his victory by 2 hours. So, if you are an early riser, but want to confirm who won, set your alarm for 11pm. It should be all over by then.

McCain w/ Swing	Obama No Swing	Time (EDT)	Obama w/ Swing	McCain No Swing
55	3	7:00p	14	44
60	23	7:30p	34	49
104	150	8:00p	172	82
125	150	8:30p	187	88
195	236	9:00p	273	158
208	243	10:00p	290	161
215	320	11:00p	370	165
218	320	1:00a	370	168

This timeline is based on the projected electoral college votes predicted by fivethirtyeight.com. "Swing" states are those that are listed as less than 75% for either candidate in the left sidebar.

I will update this table if polls show either candidate pulling ahead in any of the swing states, or the margin narrowing in any of the "lock" states.

I just ignore it, but they keep saying...

Isn't it funny how some things can go from being clever or unique to cliche in the span of mere weeks? Here are some of the buzzwords from this election that I would like to bury under 40 feet of concrete right about now:

Wall Street
Main Street
Hockey Mom
Joe Six-pack
Crater (v.)
Change
Bailout (n.)
$700 Billion
"The current administration" -- Has George W. Bush become "He-Who-Must-Not -Be-Named"?

While we're at it, can we stop talking about Wasilla, Alaska? We know you're from a small town in Alaska. We get it. Now shut up about it and talk about something that matters.

Funny, my spellchecker wants to replace "Wasilla" with "wasteland".