I'm sure this one will drive all sorts of new traffic here

[10:02] Co-worker: OMFG, there is some new show on TV (I forgot the channel) with an exorcist
[10:02] Co-worker: exorcising people
[10:02] Co-worker: it is the biggest bullshit I have ever seen
[10:02] Me: "reality" or scripted?
[10:03] Co-worker: reality I guess.....not scripted but also not like randomness
[10:03] Co-worker: they tape him at his sessions with people
[10:03] Me: wtf
[10:12] Co-worker: http://www.boblarson.org/
[10:12] Me: he looks like a child molester
[10:13] Co-worker: I'm sure he is
[10:13] Me: you know what freud said about beards
[10:13] Me: men who wear them are hiding something
[10:13] Co-worker: haha
[10:14] Me: billy mays? Instead of using a fishing pole he dumps oxy clean into the lake and scoops up the dead fish
[10:15] Me: Kenny rogers? he fucks the chickens before he cooks em. thats why they are soooooo tender
[10:15] Co-worker: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[10:15] Me: ZZ top? gay
[10:16] Me: jerry garcia? straight edge
[10:16] Me: abe lincoln? gay
[10:17] Co-worker: wha?
[10:17] Co-worker: didn't you grow a beard a while back?
[10:17] Me: Jesus: not the son of god.
[10:18] Me: dumbledore: gay
[10:18] Co-worker: true, true
[10:18] Me: darwin: fucks monkeys
[10:18] Co-worker: mmhmm
[10:18] Me: grizzly adams: fucks bears
[10:19] Me: santa: hates kids
[10:19] Co-worker: hm I think YOU may be the one with a Freudian issue
[10:19] Me: freud: loved his cigars a little too much
[10:20] Me: mohammed: pedophile (but not gay)
[10:21] Co-worker: what? he was totally gay
[10:21] Me: pz myers: celebrates xmas
[10:22] Me: Dave grohl: thinks cobain was overrated
[10:23] Me: Robert E. Lee: had jungle fever
[10:23] Co-worker: what the fuck
[10:24] Me: Fidel Castro: again with the cigars
[10:24] Me: Col. Sanders: preferred steak
[10:25] Co-worker: didn't fuck chickens?
[10:25] Me: Osama bin Laden: owns stock in halliburton
[10:25] Me: Da vinci: painted by numbers
[10:25] Co-worker: are you on fucking drugs?
[10:26] Me: Hemmingway: wrote roadside ads for burma-shave
[10:26] Co-worker: ok that is true
[10:28] Me: Papa Smurf: was gargamel's father
[10:28] Co-worker: srsly do you have parasites in yr brain?
[10:29] Me: Gandalf: couldn't find a human-sized razor
[10:29] Co-worker: elf sized?
[10:29] Me: elfs cant grow facial hair
[10:30] Co-worker: why not
[10:30] Me: don't ask me
[10:30] Co-worker: hormones?
[10:30] Me: it stops at the sideburns
[10:31] Co-worker: what?
[10:31] Me: elfs grow out their sideburns cus they cant grow beards
[10:31] Co-worker: .....ok

What time will Obama be elected?

Do you hate staying up late on election night to see if your guy won? Well, it looks like you may not have to this year. Barack Obama or John McCain needs to have 270 electoral votes to be considered the winner and next president of the United States. It looks like Senator Obama will reach that total somewhere between 9 and 11 pm EDT.

I compared the official times the polls close in each of the 50 states (and DC) with the number of electoral votes each state has, and plotted them on a timeline, based on which candidate is projected to win. I did this with two scenarios, for simplicity: one in which Senator McCain wins all of the "swing" states, and one in which Senator Obama wins the "swing" states.

Senator Obama won both scenarios. The swing states voting in McCain's favor will simply delay his victory by 2 hours. So, if you are an early riser, but want to confirm who won, set your alarm for 11pm. It should be all over by then.

McCain w/ Swing	Obama No Swing	Time (EDT)	Obama w/ Swing	McCain No Swing
55	3	7:00p	14	44
60	23	7:30p	34	49
104	150	8:00p	172	82
125	150	8:30p	187	88
195	236	9:00p	273	158
208	243	10:00p	290	161
215	320	11:00p	370	165
218	320	1:00a	370	168

This timeline is based on the projected electoral college votes predicted by fivethirtyeight.com. "Swing" states are those that are listed as less than 75% for either candidate in the left sidebar.

I will update this table if polls show either candidate pulling ahead in any of the swing states, or the margin narrowing in any of the "lock" states.

I just ignore it, but they keep saying...

Isn't it funny how some things can go from being clever or unique to cliche in the span of mere weeks? Here are some of the buzzwords from this election that I would like to bury under 40 feet of concrete right about now:

Wall Street
Main Street
Hockey Mom
Joe Six-pack
Crater (v.)
Change
Bailout (n.)
$700 Billion
"The current administration" -- Has George W. Bush become "He-Who-Must-Not -Be-Named"?

While we're at it, can we stop talking about Wasilla, Alaska? We know you're from a small town in Alaska. We get it. Now shut up about it and talk about something that matters.

Funny, my spellchecker wants to replace "Wasilla" with "wasteland".

Let's do some math, shall we?

“At this point, Congress is being asked to support an uncertain entity, costing an uncertain amount of dollars, for an uncertain duration – a decision that will have implications for generations to come and requires absolute certainty.”
– Congressman Jeb Hensarling, TX, and Chair of the House Republican Study Committee

Proposed Wall Street Bailout: $700 Billion

÷

Current US Population: 305 Million people

=

Your share of the burden: $2,295

The burden for a family of four: $9,180


That's your own personal share. Nearly $2,300 for each and every man, woman, and child in America to pay for a bunch of elitist New York power brokers not to have to bear the burden of their speculation and greed.

This could have been avoided.

Write your congressmen and senators to tell them not to approve this bailout. This site makes it really easy.

Dismissing thought of progress as the mark of devilry

RE: Subject: 143 days....

Today I receievd the following e-mail from a former co-worker:
>
> Subject: 143 days....
>
>
>
> Just think how great a professional of any kind you could be with only
> > 143 days of experience!!!
> >
> > People want change so bad maybe we should lower the experience requirement
> > for physicians, lawyers, airline pilots, etc. This would cause some change!
> >
> > Obama's 143 Days of Senate Experience
> >
> > Just how much Senate experience does Barack Obama have In terms of actual
> > work days? Not much.
> >
> > From the time Barack Obama was sworn in as a United State Senator, To the
> > time he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory Committee, he
> > logged 143 days of experience in the Senate.
> >
> > That's how many days the Senate was actually in session and working.
> >
> > The one single Senate committee that he headed, never even met once.
> >
> > After 143 days of work experience, Obama believed he was ready to be
> > Commander In Chief, Leader of the Free World, and fill the shoes Of
> > Abraham Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan.
> >
> > Think about it.......143 days -- 20.4 weeks -- 4.7 months .
> >
> > My Grandchildren spent more time in pre-school Getting ready for
> > Kindergarten.


I was going to send off a nasty email response, then I started to do some research. This is what I came up with:

Senator Obama:

Education:
Occidental College, Los Angeles, CA, Undergraduate, 1981-1983

Columbia University, Bachelor of Arts, Political Science with specialization in international relations

Harvard Law School, Juris Doctor, magna cum laude 1988-1991
President, Harvard Law Review

Professional Experience:
Developing Communities Project (DCP), Director, 1983-1988

Chicago's Project Vote!, Director, 1992

Davis, Miner, Barnhill & Galland, Associate Attorney, 1993-2002

University of Chicago Law School, Visiting Law and Government Fellow, then Senior Lecturer in Constitutional Law, 1993-2004

Illinois State Senator, 1996-2004

United States Senator for Illinois, 2004-present



Senator McCain:

Education:
U.S. Naval Academy, Bachelor of Science, 1958;

Graduate work, National War College, 1973-1974

Professional Experience:
United States Navy pilot, 1958-1981

United States Congressman for Arizona, 1983-1986

United States Senator for Arizona, 1987 - present



So, Senator McCain has earned a living at the expense of taxpayers for the last 50 years, whereas until Senator (DOCTOR!-he does have a doctorate) Obama was elected to national office 4 years ago, he has been practicing law and simultaneously teaching at one of the top law schools in the nation and serving in the Illinois State senate.

There are only 3 living men with the experience to serve as President of the United States, and only one of them will still be eligible to serve after his son's term expires next January. Unless the GOP decides to drop McCain and nominate George H.W. Bush, we will have to pick from two candidates who do not have any Presidential experience.

Oh, and there have been other Presidents with less congessional experience than Senator Obama. Not including state governors, who, let's face it, have a more applicable experience to the presidency than a Senator or Congressman, the following presidents did not serve national elected office before being elected President or Vice President:

J. Adams
C. Arthur
D. Eisenhower
M. Fillmore
U. Grant
H. Hoover
T. Jefferson
H. Taft
M. Van Buren
G. Washington (ok, technically there wasn't a nation for him to serve before he took office, but he wasn't even a member of the Continental Congress)

And here are the ones who were long-time senators before becoming President:

G. Ford
W. Harding
B. Harrison
W. Harrison
A. Jackson
L. Johnson
J. Kennedy
R. Nixon
F. Pierce
H. Truman
J. Tyler

Wow. What a list of winners. With the exception of Kennedy (who got us into Vietnam and to the moon) and Nixon (who got us out of Vietnam but, well, we all know what else he did) and Truman (who won a world war but started the cold war), that's a big list of do-nothing presidents.

So no, I don't mind that Barack Obama had only served 143 days before he announced he was forming a Presidential exploratory committee. He probably got to Washington, saw what a corrupt system we have, and thought to himself, "I can do better than this."

Always hopeful, yet discontent, he knows changes aren't permanent

There are plenty of examples where combining two of your favorite things results in a sum that is more than its parts (e.g., chocolate + peanut butter = Reese's heavenly goodness). Sometimes three of your favorite things is just too much (e.g., Reese's Caramel Peanut Butter Cups--blech!). So, imagine my surprise when I found this clip of my favorite rock band playing their song (the cover version) on my favorite video game backstage at my favorite fake news show:



Yes, that is Rush playing along with a cover band playing their hit song Tom Sawyer on Rock Band. And no, they couldn't make it all the way through on "Expert", either.

Okay, here is the band really playing the song on the air. unfortunately, Colbert doesn't let them finish this time, either. Too bad he really gets into his Bill O'Reilly impersonation while on camera. What a douchebag.

I see people turn their heads and quickly look away

Oh what a nice contented world, let the banners be unfurled

When Obama Wins is predicting that President Obama will call for the dissolution of the evil, evil company known as the Google:

RIP George

All my money's gone so I'll be back tommorrow night

How to crack a geek's combination lock

This afternoon, I tracked down my TSA-safe luggage combination locks in preparation for our trip to Washington, D.C, next week. They are a three-digit combination model with a keyhole that allows the baggage inspectors quick access. Obviously they are only to prevent the casual pickpocketer in the airport waiting line, because anyone who steals your bag will (a) be a professional thief who has the TSA key, or (b) break the lock off in the privacy of their thieves den, or (c) tale the time to figure out the combination by a systematic trial of every possible combination from 000 to 999.

Which is what I had to spend the better part of an hour doing, as I couldn't remember the combination. Obviously I picked a combination that made logical sense to me, but which one? The first 3 digits of my social security number? The last 3? My area code? I couldn't remember, and none of the obvious ones worked.

Then I tried a few combinations that a geek like me might use: 255, 007, 666.

Nothing.

So it was time for the combination lock equivalent of the dictionary crack. I set the dial to 000 and tried the lock. Nothing. 001. Nada, but hey, those were both binary numbers. Not 002 or 003. Zippo for 004, 005, and 006. I tried 007, even though I knew I had just tried it (just in case). As I rolled through the digits, I realized there were even more geekilicious 3 digit combinations.

000, 001, 010, 011, 100, 101, 110, and 111 are the 8 binary combinations.
007: Bond. James Bond.
069: Bill and Ted's combination.
123, 456, 789: Not quite Spaceballs, but in the spirit.
255: The number of coins required for an extra life in Super Mario Brothers.
256: Number of unique combinations in 8 bits.
666: The combination on Marcellus Wallace's briefcase in Pulp Fiction.
241: A 50% off sale.
311: Come original.
411: Directory assistance.
711: Convenience store.
911: The reason for these stupid TSA locks.
And of course all of the triple digit combos: 222, 333, 444, etc.

But none of those was mine.

What was?

The first 3 digits of my home phone number.

Which is in the 900s.

Ha ha ha bless your soul-you really think you're in control?

Before She Freaks

Ok, so I know I'm not the only guy who has heard the Carrie Underwood song "Before He Cheats" and thought, "What a psycho bitch! She's imagining this whole scenario in her head and has no evidence that her man is actually with another woman." So, I imagined the situation from the boyfriend's perspective and wrote a parody/response to her song (same tune, new lyrics).

Before She Freaks

Right now, I just got out the bar where my friends were shooting pool
And I joined ‘em for the tourney
Right now, I walked out to my car and I can’t believe what my eyes have just seen
Right now, I’m calling up the cops because this time its gone too far
You don’t touch my car…

Well she keyed my paint and broke inside
And then left the doors all opened wide
I think she might have peed on the back seats
She went crazy on the mirror on the driver’s side
Cut the tires and smashed the lights
Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

Right now, she’s probably getting home and she’s probably wound up and still yelling and a-cussing
Right now, she’s probably calling her friends
And they’re a-telling her she’s gonna get busted
Right now, she’s probably hanging up ‘cause someone’s knocking on her door
And she don't know

That I’ll prosecute and I won’t back down
My lawyer will make her look like a clown
Eighteen months ain’t long enough for me
She won’t find a job when she does get out
And she’s gonna have to move her ass out of town
Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

You know I’m gonna move on and find a nice girl
‘Cause the next time that she freaks
Oh, you know it won't be on me!

No...not on me

Well she keyed my paint and broke inside
And then left the doors all opened wide
I think she might have peed on both the seats
She went crazy on the mirror on the driver’s side
Cut the tires and smashed the lights

Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

Oh, Maybe next time she’ll think before she freaks

Parody Lyrics © 2008 ImmortalityLTD Productions. All Rights Reserved. Feel free to sing it at a karaoke bar, but no recordings. Thanks!

Tonight I'm Gonna Rock You Tonight

That's right. A FrontMan Wireless Guitar for the Playstation 3. It's finally here. I'm not leaving the couch tonight.

Like that's different than any other night.

Except now, I can go out and buy Guitar Hero III without the bundled Les Paul--AND use the same guitar for Rock Band. This so kicks ass.

Hey A, do you want to be Geddy Lee or Alex Lifeson when we rock out to Tom Sawyer tonight? I'm sick of getting pwned pretending to be Neil... on frakking medium!

Boom-de-addah

Echoes with the sounds of salesmen

Going to see your favorite band live for the first time in a decade: Cool

Your favorite band extending their tour and coming back around 9 months later: Hella Wicked Cool

Your wife schmoozing the drug rep whose company has a skybox for free tickets to the show on the second leg of the tour: Head-exploding Cool

EDIT: Just found out there's 4 tickets, not 2. If you like Rush and are free Sunday night to join A and me in Ft Lauderdale, give me a call. If you know me, that is.

If you use bold that’s old and wrong

Damn I am a nerd.

No, that's not me.

As the plane crashed down, he thought, "Well, isn't this nice"

Wired News reports on the world's largest general science conference in Boston this week:

The annual meeting of the American Association for the Advancement of Science is a mix of scientific workshops, lectures and public sessions that provide cutting-edge science, while also trying to tackle hot-button political issues like adapting to global climate change and embryonic stem cell research.

Of course, the Bush administration has sent its own representative to talk about all the sciency stuff:

Nina Fedoroff, science and technology adviser to Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, will be giving a keynote talk called "Making the World Flat"

I wish I were making that up. At least the title implies that they know the world isn't flat already.

Is your mouth a little weak?

In search of the perfect geek love website or shortcut to a sexual harassment lawsuit? Head on over to Despair, Inc. and create a customized message on virtual candy hearts and send it to your one-and-only (or stalkee).

Its funny how impossible dreams manifest

I haven't posted in over a month. Most likely that's due to the pre-xmas hustle and bustle, and the post-xmas PlayStation 3 Rock Band drumming. Thanks A!

Yeah, I tried the singing (Simon wouldn't tell me I'm horrible, but I wouldn't make it to Hollywood) and the guitar, but the drums have me hooked. I'm trying to get past the medium level tour to unlock the rumored "Tom Sawyer" track. Yeah, I know, its a cover band, not Rush, but its still a Rush song, even if the vocals and drumming suck. the point is, I can finally play Neil's fills without having to really learn the drums and join a band, or look like a complete douche and air-drum (which every Rush fan does anyway, douchebaggery be damned).

Anyway, here's a sweet Windows app that lets you plug your Rock Band drums into the USB port of your computer and use them as a real drum machine!

Thanks to TechRepublic for finding this one (Rush reference included).

Oh, and the boys have extended the Snakes and Arrows tour, and are reportedly reworking the set list. See you in Ft. Lauderdale!

UPDATE: A got skybox tix to the Ft. Lauderdale show through her job (for free!) and we unlocked the Tom Sawyer cover Friday night. Yeah, its not a good remake.